about me

hello blog.. haven't seen you for the past 2 years. i bet nobody reads my blog anymore since blogging is no longer popular like before.. i'm not going to talk about what happened to me for the past 2 years coz it's a longggg longgg story.. i regret not blogging though, coz the past 2 years were really exciting. now there's nothing to remind me of those days except for the few photos posted on facebook. haha.

now that i'm back from beijing, my undergraduate days are officially over. for the start of my tcm career, i must first take a leap and cross the hurdle of STRE. i swear, STRE is the most horrifying exam that i've ever taken in 20 years of my education. i don't know is it because i'm getting old and my brain cells are rusty.. or is it that the content is simply impossible to memorise. it feels like mission impossible to me and i'm relying largely on luck to pass it. even though it is mission impossible, i am not expected to give up.. i have to keep reading and studying the same stuffs over and over again for months (yes, after that i still cannot remember what i studied). it's getting really sickening. the day is going to come in 2 weeks time. i don't want to fail and waste my 850 bucks and 5 years of effort. sigh. as i study, stress builds up and then i'll breakdown and go into depression. i'll then find ways to relax and the cycle goes on again.

i never knew an exam can stress me out so much. and when i say depression, i mean it's really depression. like crying as i study and tearing in public places when it's time for me to go home and study. i just dread it so much. i can't show that coz people will just tell me to relax and stuffs. i know i shouldn't exert so much pressure on myself. i feel that some stress comes from my unemployment. i know again, people will tell me it's okay since i've been studying for the past 5 years and now it's the best time for me to rest before i join the working society.

i just don't like it when i don't get myself a job and i don't see whats ahead of me. went for 2 interviews and i think i failed both. i don't have that many dream jobs for me to keep failing interviews. blame it on my strange double degree. there aren't many jobs that can match both my specialisations. if i go into biomedical, almost everyone will say its a waste (especially if i pass STRE and get my practising license) but if i go into TCM, the salary is so pathetic. call me materialistic or what, but money is quite a major source of motivation for me. it seems quite hard to have the best of both worlds. thats why i'm at a loss and i don't see what is in store for me.

being stressed up and always cooped up at home in attempt to finish my revision, i find myself more and more sensitive and thinking way too much. ever since BF found a job and got more and more occupied, he became really tired. too tired to smell any roses. i often feel that i'm losing his attention so i started to feel desperate to want it back and picking up fights as a result. i don't know if i'm asking too much from him but i really feel that it isn't the same between us anymore. perhaps the spark in our r/s is over.. dopamine levels in us dropped and we no longer feel the romance. this is something i find very difficult for me to come to terms with. maybe it's the same for every long term couple. we talked about it and he said he would try to do his part to keep our r/s going. thank you baby, i think i felt a little bit of your effort. i guess it will still be more realistic for me to accept that our r/s is stagnant already.

the worst thing is that i lack the sense of security. i have low self-esteem and i always worry about people snatching my BF. BF is too tired and not bothered to assure me anything. his actions of love are also disappearing.. what am i supposed to feel? wouldn't that add on to my sense of insecurity? yet i do not dare to expect more from him coz i know he is tired. am i feeling all these because i've become more sensitive from all the stress from my exam revision? i really hope i can stop being like this when i find a job and get busy myself..

stop being so pessimistic.. stop being unreasonable.. stop imagining things..

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